Thursday, September 13, 2007

The Tina Fey Experiment

A couple of weeks ago, inspired by a post on arubberdoor, I began a research project: to see just how many strangely pathetic people would be drawn to my strangely pathetic blog if I entitled a post "Tina Fey's Boobs."

I may be breaking some unwritten blog law by divulging that I have the tools to monitor such things as search terms. But, in the name of science, I will not only reveal that I do have that capability, but also just how few people actually come to my blog intentionally.

Oh well...

Here is the raw data:

Perc. Search Term

7.14% buy wood rosin
7.14% tina fey boobs
5.36% whirlpool calypso drain hose blocked
3.57% how do you break a calypso washer
3.57% my albatross symbol
3.57% eee cup
1.79% what ever happened to alizee
1.79% painkiller shot
1.79% dofus stools
1.79% whirlpool calypso ld drain hose blocked
1.79% long questions and long answer
1.79% spending christmas with jesus this year ornament
1.79% wood resin as a drink additive
1.79% comedy fart humor cd
1.79% the word troy on her panties
1.79% britney trailer park awful
1.79% cleavage
1.79% whirlpool calypso ld drain hose
1.79% song title costumes
1.79% suburban preppy
1.79% wood rosin in soda
1.79% britney trailer park
1.79% the mind of a six year old
1.79% suv symbolism
1.79% chuck e cheese cake taste
1.79% zeke leos
1.79% mcdonalds iced coffee ingredients
1.79% cabrio long drain
1.79% the comedians of comedy music credits
1.79% sears washing machine lemon law
1.79% homosexual wegmans
1.79% jerry seinfeld on leno in december 2005
1.79% diet drinks, glycerol ester of wood rosin
1.79% vince dementri
1.79% wing piano company
1.79% i'm spending my time with jesus this year christmas ornament
1.79% mcdonalds hazelnut iced coffee
1.79% masquerade party, pictures, what do they look like?
1.79% the masquerade november 10
1.79% trailer park britney
1.79% average 25-year old has had cavities
1.79% spending my christmas with jesus ornament
1.79% we are magic 80's
1.79% 50 cents lucky?
1.79% michael penn wing piano


And now for my incredibly insightful analysis...

I'm sure Ms. Fey would be quite pleased to see that her boobs are right up there at the top of the list, tied with wood rosin.

But are they? Actually, wood rosin wins! See, glycerol ester of wood rosin is an suspension agent in some citrus soft drinks, and when you combine all the wood rosin/soft drink searches, my in-depth investigation into soda ingredients is indeed the biggest draw my blog has.

Then again...maybe "buy wood rosin" isn't the same thing as wanting to know about the ester of wood rosin in Fresca. Judges?

Even with disqualifying rosin, it seems a poorly-designed appliance beats Tina's appropriately-designed cleavage. Because...

...when similar search terms are combined we have a greater percentage dealing with the Calypso washing machine than with Tina's ta-tas. Sad, but true.

To the searchers who asked, "How do you break a Calypso washer?" I answer, "By using it."

And "What ever happened to alizee?" Gosh, I just don't know. But now I'm starting to worry about her.

Who is it that keeps looking for "homosexual Wegmans?" This phrase pops up all the time in my stats. Whomever it is seems to be rather fixated. Out yourself!

The saddest search? "Spending My Christmas with Jesus" This is obviously a seasonal one, and I'll probably see more and more of it as we get closer to the holiday. Always feel a bit remorseful when it turns up, because I imagine someone making a sincere search and ending up on my mocking page that also features a farting stuffed animal. Stop making me feel human emotion! Let me go back to being the cold, cynical creature I was born to be.

I suspect the search for "the word troy on her panties" has something to do with the unfortunate discovery of Walt-would-blush-if-he-weren't-frozen photos of High School Musical's Vanessa Hudgens. Although I can't remember writing anything that put "troy" and "panties" in the same post.

Moving on...does anyone know where I can get me one of those "dofus stools?" I have an empty corner in my family room just crying out for one. All my seating is way too intelligent for its own good.

Finally, I'm happy to see a couple Michael Penn-related searches here. If you have eyes, even with the most fleeting sideways glance at my blog from across a crowded room it's pretty obvious I'm a huge fan of Mr. Penn's music.

I just think he's the cat's meow -- a super-talented artist -- and I'm always trying to do my part to spread the word. Let all followers of MP unite and together we'll take over the world (non-violently, of course) -- wielding the mighty sword of reason and the irresistible power of a catchy hook. Imagine that.

(Um, can you tell I haven't been getting enough sleep? Insomnia can be your friend, if you let it. At least that's what it told me this morning over coffee.)

Evidently, The Comedians of Comedy documentary was on Comedy Central recently, because last week there was a flurry of searches for "Down by the Riverside" which runs over the credits. By the way, that song is now available as a bonus track on the remastered version of Michael Penn's "Mr. Hollywood Jr., 1947."

So now you know.

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