Sunday, December 11, 2005

Spending Christmas with Jesus

I've noticed this "Merry Christmas From Heaven" ornament in several catalogs...with its final line: "I'm spending my Christmas With Jesus this year."

Spending my Christmas with Jesus...hmmm...

Not to be insensitive to folks who have lost a loved one, but this whole concept seems a bit off to me.

I mean, would spending Christmas with Jesus be a good thing? Think about it --

Well, first of all, you're dead, and that kinda sucks...

Plus, you've got to get Jesus a gift, and -- talk about the ultimate pressure -- not only is it Christmas, but it's also his BIRTHDAY.

What do give to the dude who not only has everything, but also, theoretically at least, has a hand in creating everything?

For example, if Jesus wanted the new Xbox, I don't think he'd have any trouble getting His mitts on one...I don't see him camping out in line at Walmart or anything (the halo and stigmata would be a dead giveaway anyway.)

I imagine that basically all Jesus would have to do is think, "Having an Xbox 360 would be sweet!" and then it would appear in His Almighty hands.

So, you settle for getting him a gift card...maybe some kind of spa treatment (I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure Jesus is a metrosexual -- wasn't that somewhere in the New Testament?)

And then, to actually spend Christmas with Jesus? Well, it's not like it would just be the two of you playing Pictionary while chestnuts roast on an open fire.

No, Jesus has a very large guest list. Think of it as the office xmas party to top all office xmas parties. You'd find yourself torn between wanting to enjoy yourself and feeling the need to make a decent impression on the boss -- who in this case has the power not to fire you, but to send you into the fire of eternal damnation. Hot Damn!

Not that the Son of God doesn't throw a good bash -- he does -- and everybody who's anybody deceased is there...

You float in and find a multitude of angels working the room with their trays of mini-quiches. Unfortunately, these angels bear little resemblance to the Victoria's Secret variety-- rather they seem to favor a wizened Richard Simmons.

So you make your way to buffet table -- and can't help but overhear a bunch of saints and their catty remarks.

St. Eligius starts bitching, "Take a gander at St. Nick o'er yonder doing his whole jolly routine -- it doth nearly compel me to visit the vomitorium. What makes him think he art all that? I'm the patron saint of metalworkers -- an artisan for chrissake -- doth that not count for anything?"

"Chill, Elie, " says St. Elmo , "It could be worse -- not only did they make that lame brat pack movie and screw up my whole fire thing, but now I've got everyone coming up to me with tickle jokes. Plus, I'm the patron saint of stomach cramps...which reminds me -- isn't that Elvis over there by the restroom? "

Everyone wonders why St. Francis didn't leave his jackass at home.

Pretty soon, the wine starts flowing (Jesus is pretty good about that) and next thing you know, you catch Pope John Paul II making goo-goo eyes at Mother Teresa (I mean, he has been celibate for a looong time, plus M.T. has put a little meat on her bones since she passed into eternity. )

You drink a little too much of the divine Jesus juice yourself, and the next thing you know you've said something supremely idiotic to the Holy Spirit. Like, ya know, a comparing-the-trinity-to-a-menage-a-trios reference of some sort.

The Holy Spirit doesn't have quite the sense of humor that Jesus does, and next thing you know, he talks to the Big Guy...and you're spending Christmas with Lucifer next year.

16 Comments:

At December 11, 2005 4:38 PM, Blogger Merujo said...

Jesus is so totally a metrosexual. I mean, sandals for every occasion? And clearly, he was a leader in the skirts-for-men trend. I've never seen a picture of him with a "man bag" though...

 
At December 11, 2005 8:16 PM, Blogger Cyn said...

LOL -- I wish I had written that myself...

 
At November 18, 2008 8:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

May God bless you this Christmas.For you certainly need it.

 
At December 01, 2008 1:01 AM, Blogger fever dream said...

it's a JOKE, anonymous. Lighten up.

 
At December 08, 2008 12:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

MY 17 YEAR OLD SON PASSED AWAY 3 YEARS AGO, AND THAT POEM HELPED ME THROUGH CHRISTMAS!!!! I HOPE THAT YOU FIND FOR YOURSELF THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS BEFORE IT IS TO LATE...

 
At December 09, 2008 9:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Our family will be praying for your salvation this Christmas

 
At December 09, 2008 9:31 AM, Blogger Cyn said...

Thank you fever dream, for coming to my defense. Yes, this was meant to be funny, satirical, whatever. (Written three years ago, so I can barely remember at this point. Wonder why suddenly all the bruhaha now?)

If someone is doing a google search for the ornament and ends up on this page...well, it's pretty obvious this is not a storefront, so why even read my nonsense in the first place?

I'm truly sorry if what I wrote hurts anyone who has lost a loved one.

However, let me be very clear: I do not need a "god bless you" spat at me sarcastically. I don't need any prayers for my salvation, thank you very much. No anonymous person has the right to imagine that they are any more virtuous than I.

Tell me my post hurt your feelings and I will be apologetic. But tell me I don't know the true meaning of Christmas and the tone of your comment speaks for itself. Christ was all about forgiveness and understanding...so how about channelling some of that when you are contemplating the "true meaning" of Christmas.

Besides, if you don't think our Creator has a sense of humor -- look at the world around you.

 
At December 10, 2008 4:30 PM, Blogger radiocynic said...

Well first, as a long-time fan of your writing, I must point out that on that particular day three years ago, your wit seemed to be just a bit more over the ol' rapier line than usual, so I can understand why the uninitiated might be a bit taken aback.

But I will vouch for the absence of malicious intent.

To "Anonymous" -- First, my heartfelt sympathy for the loss of your son. This column was indeed meant as humor, not to hurt anyone.

Speaking only for myself, the fact that the concept of "Christmas with Jesus" helped you through such a difficult period justifies its existence. But please understand that this particular way the concept was presented, in rhyme on a sparkly ornament, strikes many people (including me, and many readers of this blog) as unduly treacly -- so much so that the offense caused by its existence elicits some attempt at coping with it through humor.

Comfort is good wherever it's found. I trust that there are also many folks who have lost loved ones who might find more comfort in the humor presented here than in the poem or the ornament. It's simply a matter of one's own taste, religious views and coping mechanisms.

Regardless, comfort and coping, in all of their forms including humor, are, in my opinion, all the work of God.

Merry Christmas!

 
At December 10, 2008 11:34 PM, Blogger Merujo said...

You know, some people seriously need to lighten up. And, more importantly - and I write this as a blogger - if the uptight want to leave comments and impart wisdom or chide heathens, they really should leave their names, too. Man, I hate attacks made with cowardice. It's *not* a nice combination.

My sister Mary, who sadly passed away today, would probably have preferred to spend Christmas this year with her degenerate family members than with Jesus. Apparently, though, she had no choice in the matter. I read her horoscope today in the freebie commuter paper and, I swear to God, it read: "There's no point in worrying about the future today. Just let it all go!"

Now, my sister would have found this hilarious. And she probably would prefer this newspaper fortune laminated and tucked in her casket (along with some Benson & Hedges menthols and a can of Tab) to some maudlin catalog effort to prey on the sadness of the bereaved at the holidays. Of course, your mileage may vary.

But still, anonymous humorless peeps, I say unto you: get a grip *and* a sense of humor. I bet Jesus had one. (A sense of humor that is. I don't know about the grip. But I like to think Jesus had a kung-fu grip.)

 
At December 11, 2008 9:59 AM, Blogger Cyn said...

Merujo, First of all, I am so very sorry for your loss. It's a testament to your great sense of humor that you can come up with stuff like the "kung-fu grip" line in the midst of this.

I really appreciate your taking the time to comment, and I suck at saying the right thing in these circumstances, but it sounds like Mary shared your ability to see the humor (or the irony) in a bad situation.

Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.

I found my original post was linked on a etiquette forum under the thread "What not to say on hearing of a death." http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=46802.30

Scrolled down the page expecting to find myself verbally drawn and quartered. Instead, found a post from someone who had received the "Christmas with Jesus" poem from a well-meaning acquaintance, and said, "I understood that the person...was actually trying to comfort me, but after I read that awful poem, I felt like I'd been run over by a truck."

Anyway, as you put it so nicely, Merujo, your mileage may vary.

 
At December 15, 2008 8:01 PM, Anonymous speener said...

Looky at all the comments!

Generally I disregard any comment from someone that lacks the courage to identify themselves in a comment - but that's just me.

I've lost friends and family too, fortunately I didn't lose my sense of humor also. Of course it's one of my laments that people seem to have no sense of humor any more. Either that or they simply lack the intelligence required to get it.

To anonymous, you know which one applies.

 
At December 24, 2008 6:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You really need to be saved and if you keep on this path of yours you wont be needing to bring a gift with you where you are going! God Save You!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
At December 26, 2008 11:22 AM, Blogger Cyn said...

Judge not, that you be not judged...Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? (Let's all give a shout-out to the late great Matthew and his 7:1,3)

:P

 
At October 04, 2009 10:21 PM, Blogger wendissimo said...

Maybe everyone should just calm down and leave each other alone. If one doesn't like what the other is saying you don't have to read. If we all understand who Jesus is all about, he would not want us to be bickering back and forth and hurting each other. I lost my brother 3 years ago and I have this ornament myself. It has brought me comfort and I am glad for those who don't need one to remember a lost loved one. Let us just leave each other in peace, forgive and move on in kindness.

 
At December 11, 2009 12:43 PM, Blogger Amanda said...

"If someone is doing a google search for the ornament and ends up on this page...well, it's pretty obvious this is not a storefront, so why even read my nonsense in the first place?"

That's how I got here. And true enough, obviously not a storefront, but definitely piqued my interest. A fun read =) Bookmarked for future reading ;) Happy Chriskwanzukkuh!

 
At December 01, 2011 9:37 AM, Anonymous Julie Brand said...

The bible does teach tolerance, forgivness and also not to blaspheme. You were very condecending in your blog. This was and is VERY offensive to those of us who believe in God with all our hearts. If you truly are sorry for the offense, then tell God. I will pray for you, because I pray for all those who have not tamed their wicked tongues, including myself. No judgement, just pure honest Christianly love for someone that God loves also.
Julie Brand - a person striving to be more Christlike everyday.

 

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