Monday, August 21, 2006

Help Me! I've been Deppnotized!

It all began innocently enough, in the cereal aisle of my now-favorite-since-the-frenzied-crowds-have-died-down supermarket, Wegman's...

There he was - staring boldly in my direction. With his hand resting oh-so-casually on the top of the ship's wheel. His kohl-rimmed eyes staring boldly into mine.

I can't explain why, but I felt strangely compelled to buy this cereal.

To the point of actually having to talk my daughter into saying she wanted it herself. "It has pirate-shaped marshmallows..." I said in my most detached-yet-persuasive voice.

(Normally, I never buy marshmallow cereal for the kids because they just pick out the marshmallows and once it's de-mallowed they never finish the box.)

"Okay," said my tween, not all that enthusiastically. But it was enough for me to tenderly place the box into the cart.

(A total aside, but if I were an actual pirate I'd be incredibly insulted by this marshmallow rendition.)

Tried to convince myself that my compulsion to purchase this cereal was just admiration for the ballsiness of the Pirates' promotional machine. But there was something more...something intangible.

Not too long afterwards, I was browsing the candy machine at work. None of my beloved peanut bars in stock (darn!) But another peanut product caught my eye:

Here's Johnny! He's smaller, but definitely a presence.
Plus, you get Pirate games:

What passes for a good pirate game anyway? A disemboweling swordfight?

It may just be my imagination, but the nuts in this "Captain's Gold" version seemed smaller than the usual m&m nut. A reflection of Mr. Depp? Gee, I hope not...

I'm going to take a break here to remind everyone that this is not all about me having a little thing for Johnny Depp. I think I've made it rather clear that he is too pretty for my tastes.

Nay, there is an altogether different force at work here.

Something sinister may be afoot.

Perhaps this frightening episode will convince you:

Another food aisle (frozen) in another supermarket (Stop and Shop - I hate that name - like, what else are you going to do? Drive by slowly and somehow shop without actually stopping? Stop and meander casually through the aisles with no intent of buying? But I digress...)

I grabbed a box of frozen waffles - mini waffles in a sugary flavor I thought the kids would like.

It wasn't until I was safely at home, opening the box to serve them that I even noticed the side panel:

It was then that it all became bone-chillingly clear. It was then that I realized that I had been Depp-notized.

Was it the initial encounter with the cereal box? Or some invisible rays that came out at me during a TV spot?

I'm even thinking about getting my own Pirate bandanna.

And it's not just me. Look what my daughter checked out from the library on Thursday:

DEPPNOTISM. There is no other logical explanation.

Perhaps you scoff. But truly, what else other than Deppnotism could explain the boffo box office for Pirates 2?

And what else could explain the involvement of Bono, Sting, and a host of other "name" musicians in an album of sea shantys?


Consider yourself warned, matey. Avert your gaze from the image of Depp wherever it might appear.

Lest ye find yourself in the possession of tastes-like-it's-been-around-since-the-original-movie cereal.

(The kids don't even like the marshmallows. Oh well...all that means is an excuse to keep the cereal box around FOREVER!)


At August 21, 2006 10:28 PM, Blogger Merujo said...

Omigod - must... have... pirate bandanna... It will go brilliantly with the eye patch!

People at work have been putting Cap't Jack Sparrow stuff in my in-box. It's become the standard office joke. (It helps that I have a skull and crossbones with the words "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here" on my door...)

I still haven't gone to see the dang movie. Have I missed it at this point?

At August 22, 2006 8:33 AM, Blogger Cyn said...

I'm pretty sure the movie's still around, but unless you feel some obligation to your Pirate brethren, I'm not sure you should bother. I thought the original was rather boring (too much fighting, I guess) save those parts featuring Mr. Depp, who was reliably fascinating.

And the sequel is supposed to be much the lesser of the two films.

Granted, I only saw the original on TV -- I had taped it and was pre-screening to see if it was okay for my kids to watch it. (Uh, no!) And I was straightening up my room at the same time. So maybe not a fair review of #1. These things tend to play better on the big screen anyway.

At August 22, 2006 2:20 PM, Blogger Spencer said...

I have to say that it goes beyond the Pirates related stuff - I did actually buy the Willy Wonka themed Wonka Cakes (Hostess chocolate cupcakes with purple filling and icing)!

Melissa - you can still see the movie - we're planning to see it this week.

Mmmm, mmm.


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