Willy Wonka sex fantasies???

I came across a blurb in the Philadelphia Inquirer earlier this week in their little celebrity column, which quoted a survey that found Johnny Depp was the male celebrity most women fantasized about while having sex with their husband. Looking past the somewhat inherent wrongness of fantasizing about someone other than the person you’re actually with, I was rather stunned by that choice. I mean, Mr. Depp seems like a rather interesting, quirky person, but given the roles I have seen him play (Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood)…well…I just didn’t think middle America was that kinky!

Anyway, this survey was in the back of my mind as I set out to see Charlie & the Chocolate factory with my girls yesterday. Perhaps as I gazed upon Depp widescreen I would see something alluring I had missed before.

OK, not the easiest task given his Willy Wonka is wearing makeup & a pageboy.

And then it hit me, even as his five o’clock shadow peeked through the heavy pancake. This was one very beautiful human specimen. Which is precisely why he is the last man I would ever have a sexual fantasy about (not that I would ever have any fantasies involving men other than my husband, of course, so this is all theoretical, says she whose husband is a faithful reader.) Johnny has pretty little kewpie doll lips, a pretty, straight, non-ethnic nose & pretty eyes. Which all adds up to a sexual “ewww” (as Willy Wonka would put it.)

When I met my husband, I was immediately struck by his beautiful Mel Gibson blue eyes and long lashes. However the rest of his face is manly-rugged. I mean no offense when I say that he would make an extremely homely woman. But put Depp in a dress and he could be a supermodel.

It reminds me of a college date I had with a really cute guy…he had such fine features that when it came time to kiss goodnight I was mentally grossed out. I honestly felt like I was kissing a girl (which tactfully I did not mention to the dude.) It did serve to confirm my utter hetero-ness, thereby avoiding any wasted dabbling (not that there’s anything wrong with that!)

So, while I remain immune to the charms of Johnny Depp, I applaud those women who actually have time to think of anything during sex besides the laundry precariously piled up beside the bed. And maybe if I rent Pirates of the Caribbean, I’ll see Depp in all his masculine glory…

Oh yeah, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is a fantastic film! And inspiring all sorts of fantasies involving chocolate ;)