Friday, January 06, 2006

The Great Panty Experiment

Faithful readers will recall my thoughtful exploration of the phenomenom commonly referred to as the Visible Panty Line (VPL).

Informal polling seemed to confirm that most men really couldn't care less if an underpant outline graces a lady's bottom. (Interestingly, men always seemed to want to advance the notion of "going commando" but I believe that had nothing to do with VPL.)

In the name of scientific analysis, and evidently nothing better to do, I decided to take it upon myself to dig deeper into the VPL issue.

First, I managed to work a "thong vs. panty" discussion into any number of family holiday gatherings. Compared to the hot-button topics of religion and politics, conversing about unmentionables is not all that difficult a subject to negotiate. (Warning: Try at you own risk. Dangers include finding out your father's panty preference and that you are the one responsible for turning your senior citizen mom onto the thong in the first place. Side effects include lingering unpleasant mental images.)

I did NOT bring VPL up with my In-laws at our Christmas Eve get together -- however, at that function, my daughter piped up with (as we were opening our gifts) "My mom always gets underpants for Christmas."

Nervous laughter ensued.

But she is correct - Santa always seems to put some sort of holiday-themed undies into my stocking each year. (He also likes to shop at Old Navy, evidently.) And somewhere the undergarment powers-that-be have decreed that Santa's face does not belong on a thong. So all the xmas undies are regular bikini pants.

So, when the red panties covered with little snowmen and the green undies with the cartoon reindeer appeared in my stocking this year, I figured it was a sign that perhaps I should actually wear them this year.

If only in the name of research, I vowed to put aside the thongs for an entire week...and see what would happen.

It's kinda like a panty version of Supersize Me -- except here, hopefully, my unmentionables aren't actually supersized (yet...)

So, I worked my way through the undies -- from the mini Santa heads...through the gingerbread the ones with dilated-pupil drummer-child and the pack animal that looks vaguely like a chihuahua (my favorite!)

The process forced me to actually look at my butt in a mirror -- something I generally avoid for my own mental health.

The VPL was actually not too visible while wearing jeans. In workout pants (AKA yoga pants)...well...not a pretty sight. Luckily, it was a holiday week, and the gym was not on the to-do list.

And you know what -- the full-size were more comfortable. Evidently sometime since my 1999 pregnancy (the last time I gave up the thong) there have been incredible scientific advances in undergarment elastic.

And as far as I know, no one pointed, snickered or ran away screaming after seeing the faint outline of a panty gracing my derriere. Not any more than usual anyway.

Somehow, this knowledge seems especially liberating.

I can't say I won't revert to my itsy-bitsy undie ways -- however, it's nice to know there is an acceptable option, especially for jeans and days involving butt-covering coats.

Today I have vanquished the thong -- tomorrow the underwire!


At January 07, 2006 10:42 PM, Blogger Merujo said...

Immediately I decided I liked the little medicated drummer elf the best and then read you description of him and his reinchihuahua. And I'm still laughing. Excellent.

Underwires are evil. Twice I've had one poke out and stab me in the underarm. (Both times at work, to boot.) Also, if you go to some airports, the underwires will set off the metal detectors and extremely sadistic TSA goons will want to feel up underneath your blouse. (Happened not to me but to 50-something government official from Russian whom I was escorting on a US Goverment-sponsored visit. That was hell.)

At January 15, 2006 6:04 PM, Blogger Rabbit said...

I hate underwires. Unfortunately, it's that or a bra that retains its own shape when cast off (which creeps me out).

As for the panty issue . . . I've never even tried a thong, anticipating it will feel like a wedgie.

And, really, who wants that?


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